After years of use--including many years of daily use--I've rid myself of the Dirty White Bitch. (You know who She is... Check the title of the blog...) I quit in June of this past year. Cold Turkey. If you haven't experienced it yourself, trust me when I tell you that there is no "tapering off" with this one. I had a friend back then--a very bright guy, with a PhD and everything--who had a perfectly rational and well-reasoned theory about quitting "in stages". "After all," he used to say "I didn't start out smoking an 8-ball a day. My use ramped up over time. And it's unrealistic to think that I can give it up all at once. I have to 'ramp down'." Except, of course, that you can never 'ramp down'. I will leave the chemistry and physiology explanations to others: suffice it to say that your brain will not let you taper off. As long as you're using Crystal, you are--slowly or quickly--increasing your use. Your brain demands it.
So--I quit.
And now I'm a former addict. A former addict with an attitude problem. I don't like 12-step programs. A lot. I've always not liked 12-step programs, in theory. When I became a candidate for participation, I began to not like them in practice. When you are mired in your addiction, however, disliking 12-step programs has a whiff of self-delusional rationalization to it. Air your grievances, say, about the relentlessly judgemental nature of the whole enterprise, carp about how insanely counterproductive you feel it is that participants can 'forfeit' days, weeks or years of sobriety if they take a mis-step, and you open yourself to the smug, knowing smile, the smug shake of the head--"Well--you're a drug addict. Of course you find fault with the faultless, life-saving wonders of the glorious 12-step system."
But I'm not here to condemn CMA (Crystal Meth Anonymous) or 12-step programs in general. I mean, I DO condemn them for certain things, which I expect I will focus on in future posts. At the same time, however, I recognize certain constituent components of the 12-step system that I think are commendable. In fact, it is the 12-step notion of "sharing"--periodically telling one's story and un-burdening oneself of one's doubts, fears, thoughts, etc.--that led me to sit down and blog. As a devout and regular non-attendee of CMA meetings, I have no regular opportunity to "share". There are a (very) few acquaintances from my Crystal Days (kudos to me for not ever referring to them as my "Crystal Daze") with whom I still speak, and there are an even smaller number of friends who were waiting for me when I left my Crystal Days behind me. I can only share so much with any of them, but I can share it all with the blogosphere.
My Name is Nate. And I'm a Crystal Meth Addict. ("Hi Nate!!!")
